Journal Entry 10.21.2017

I don’t even know what to write but I have to write. I can’t sleep. My thoughts are all over the place. I’m having conversations in my head. I’m pacing my room. I’m itchy. I want to scream. I want to cry.

I set my alarm for 7:00 am so that I can go for a walk first thing in the morning. Exercising helps. I have to make myself go although I need to go everyday and it’s something that I actually enjoy but …

I feel like people are looking and talking about me. That’s how I feel. If I am walking down the street everyone that passes is saying something bad about me. If I go to the gym, same thing. I’d rather be outside because I enjoy the fresh air and just being a part of nature.

I had thoughts of going back on the medication because this seems to be gradually hitting it’s peak. I feel like I’m really crazy. Not being able to control what’s going on in my head. I didn’t want to journal. My thoughts are all over the place. I want to scream. But I have to be consistent with treating this mess and not give up.

The likelihood of me going back on medication is pretty high at this point. When I’m stable I forget I go through all of these things internally. I know I go through it but I forget how it makes me feel and takes over.

I told myself I was going to do this without meds so I can’t give in so soon. But if the suicidal thoughts come I am. I’m already starting to feel pretty down about myself. Who I am. I want to scream.

I want to throw this laptop and scream. I’m NOT A CRAZY PERSON.

I believe that my condition got worst because of the meds they had me on. When I went to see my psychiatrist after I was released from the hospital last year he said that I went into psychosis because of the dosages they had me on. I think I was on like 120 of Cymbalta, 1500 Depakote, and 10 or 20 of Aderall. Aderall, I have to remember that names. I couldn’t think of it last week when I was talking about the prescriptions I was on with my therapist. But yeah, the doctor in the hospital asked me why they had me on those dosages. Like I knew. I’m just doing what I am told I need to do.

But I feel like the psychiatrist I was seeing was just prescribing stuff. We never really talked. I would tell him how I was feeling and what level and he would increase or decrease my dosage. I told him my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing and I’m thinking all the time and he gives me Aderall.

I’m glad I journaled. I feel like I’ve calmed down a bit. I need to cleanse too. Random I know. It’s just something that I have been feeling like I need to do all week. I was off of meat for a while and started eating it again. I feel sluggish and crap.

Well, I’m a see what I can do as far as sleep now although I’m not sleepy. I have a therapy appointment in the morning that I don’t want to miss so I better try.

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